Divorce can be one of the most stressful events in a person’s life. Collaboration and clear communication can reduce harm and lead to better outcomes.
Divorce is often portrayed in media as an acrimonious fight, and many of us have likely heard horror stories of high-conflict separations. However, divorces really don’t need to be like that. There are strategies that divorcing couples and their lawyers can take to reduce conflict. Those strategies help divorcing couples to avoid stress, the risk of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and possible negative impacts on their children. They can also help them spend their money on what benefits their families rather than on lawyers (we’ll be okay, there are many more divorces than there are lawyers!).
Understanding how stress affects the process
It’s important to understand the psychological processes at work when couples separate. Separations are among the most stressful events in our lives. When we’re stressed, our amygdala (the part of the brain that controls emotions like fear) triggers our fight-or-flight response. We tend not to think clearly or be ourselves. This means that we need to be especially aware of our own behaviour. We also need to understand that the other spouse may temporarily behave erratically. If a spouse decided to end the relationship, they may have had several months to work through their grief before coming to that decision. The other spouse may not have, and they may need some time to work through their own stages of grief before their thought processes return to normal and they can work to resolve their separation. This doesn’t mean that either spouse should tolerate all bad behaviour – it’s important to make a safety plan and establish some boundaries. However, it may mean understanding that the left spouse will not be themselves for some time and extending some patience where possible. It’s also important to recognize that we can’t control everything that happens in the other spouse’s household.
The importance of communication
Decreased communication after a separation can also worsen conflict. While it’s important to avoid badgering a spouse with repeated communication, to ensure everyone feels safe communicating, and to follow agreements and court orders regarding communication, it’s often beneficial to keep the lines of communication open. Letting the other parent know what’s happening with the children can help them to feel connected with the children and feel less like they’re losing their children. Speaking over the phone, or in person where safe to do so, can help to minimize the risks of miscommunication that can result from text messages and emails. Even where you’d like the more important issues to be resolved through lawyers, it can still be helpful to address some minor issues such as the exchange of personal belongings or holiday parenting time. Doing so minimizes your legal bills and helps you to develop effective co-parenting skills.
Our own communication can also unintentionally inflame separations. Arguing about the past rarely resolves disputes. Usually, we don’t need to agree about what happened in the past to agree upon what the path forward should look like. Similarly, accusations or minimizing someone’s role as a parent or their contributions during the relationship can make people feel defensive and less likely to want to come to a resolution. They might also turn to looking for validation, such as from a judge, which often doesn’t happen and makes every resolution feel inadequate. This can make them much less likely to accept any resolution.
What does effective communication look like?
Ask where your spouse is coming from before making assumptions. Focus on brainstorming and addressing each spouse’s concerns instead of taking positions and becoming entrenched too early. This can lead to impasse and make it harder to avoid court. Instead, it’s important to talk about what your own concerns, fears, and priorities are. It’s possible to establish boundaries without being rude. The simplest technique is called “I Statements.” Rather than saying “you’re a deadbeat who isn’t paying section 7 expenses,” you might say “I’m worried that the kids might miss some extra-curricular activities, so I’d like to talk about how we share section 7 expenses.” BIFF Responses are a communication style which can also minimize conflict, even when conflict is not yet severe.
When you focus on each spouse’s priorities, fears, and concerns, you might find that you can address them in creative ways, leading to a better outcome than the inflexible result which a court might impose. Resolutions that everyone agrees to are also more likely to be followed and not undermined. Preparing an agenda in advance can also help to keep conversations on track, although some flexibility may also be necessary.
I can’t emphasize enough that it’s very important that both spouses feel safe and informed. When people think that they might be harmed, taken advantage of, not have a place to live, not see their children, or not be able to afford any expenses, their stress skyrockets, they stop thinking clearly, and they can become aggressive. Sometimes it can be beneficial to have a neutral third party involved in early conversations, such as a mediator or an agreed-upon friend or family member. It’s also important not to unfairly demonize the other spouse, because making an unfair characterization or trying to turn friends against them might make them feel like they’re going to be treated unfairly, and lend them justification for their bad behaviour. Starting the resolution of a separation by showing you’re willing to work together can maintain a much calmer path than starting with demands and threats. Except where there is a significant risk of harm to a child, it’s usually beneficial to ensure that both parents have parenting time. It can be beneficial to take the Parenting After Separation course to determine how child support is calculated, and to see a lawyer to obtain spousal/partner support calculations.
Getting help with the process
Getting legal advice can also help us to feel safer, and know what to expect and how to move forward. Edmonton Community Legal Centre, Calgary Legal Guidance, and Red Deer’s Community Legal Clinic offer legal clinics where spouses and parents can speak to a lawyer for free. The Centre for Public Legal Education Alberta has a Family Law in Alberta website with plenty of free information. The Alberta Legal Coaches and Limited Services Society has a directory of lawyers offering ongoing coaching, links to resources and a library with family law content. I’ve previously written about how separated parents can avoid parenting disputes and information for spouses/parents when they first separate.
On the other hand, beware of comparing your separation to others’, as our circumstances are often unique. Be cautious about getting advice from non-lawyers. Although it might be comforting to have a support network, friends and family are not always objective. We usually avoid portraying ourselves in a negative light, they usually don’t appreciate the risks of our position, and they usually don’t hear from the other spouse. This can lead to an echo chamber where their unwavering support can lead to a false sense of superiority or righteousness. Similarly, aggressive lawyers who write nasty letters and threaten court might make you feel protected, but they often increase conflict and prolong disputes.
The effects of high conflict
Several psychologists have told me that they think prolonged high-conflict separations can lead to PTSD. Spouses in these situations never know what conflict is around the corner next, so they live in a state of being on guard. Separations which take a long time to resolve might also lead to psychological distress. Years of trying to gain the upper hand in court can lead to a long-term pattern of unhealthy co-parenting. It’s important to recognize that there’s always some risk in court and rarely one correct solution that all judges would adopt. That risk means recognizing that even if a resolution isn’t perfect, some compromise might be more beneficial than putting important decisions in the hands of judges, who are strangers to your family and humans who make mistakes like the rest of us.
Collaboration leads to better resolutions
Some delay might be inevitable while a spouse works through their stages of grief, both spouses exchange financial documents, experts complete reports or appraisals, we wait for property to sell, or we wait for spouses to consult their lawyers and assemble responses. However, there are alternate paths to resolve disputes faster and more efficiently. Four-way meetings with each spouse and their lawyer can be much more efficient than sending letters back and forth over months. Some disputes might also benefit from a neutral mediator to keep conversations on track and help with brainstorming solutions. Med-arb or Arbitration usually resolves separations much faster and with lower stress than court. While there’s a higher up-front cost, it usually costs less overall than engaging a lawyer for years. While it’s not necessarily faster, Collaborative Family Law has been designed to resolve divorces in a much less stressful manner.
While you definitely don’t have to agree with the other spouse’s version of reality, it’s important to understand where they and their lawyer are coming from. Often, addressing their concerns may get you what you want while costing you little. While it can be very intimidating to negotiate with someone with different interests and objectives, it can help to think of conflict as a mechanism that can lead to more satisfactory resolutions. Being able to work through problems together can help you find creative arrangements that each of you can live with, and address each of your concerns. You have a lot of control over whether your separation is amicable.
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DISCLAIMER The information in this article was correct at time of publishing. The law may have changed since then. The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of LawNow or the Centre for Public Legal Education Alberta.
About Ken Proudman
